


A Cold Winter Morning in July

by ClaireWritesAboutLife



Series: Letters from a daughter to an Unknowing father [1]
Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Disappointment, Father-Daughter Relationship, Feelings, Letter to father, Toxic Relationship, disapproving dad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 07:53:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16114091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClaireWritesAboutLife/pseuds/ClaireWritesAboutLife
Summary: A letter to an unknowing father





	A Cold Winter Morning in July

Dearest unknowing person,

This is my story, one you will never hear or never see, or even if you would, you will never care. I think about you more than I allow myself to say or even want to, especially when I know that you do not think about me as much. I, still, sadly have to say that you are a part of my life even though you disappeared a long time ago. I, still, sadly have to try to explain your choices. Why did he go? They ask me, and they want to hear the story. Often not the full story, just the shortened version. The version with the answer to the question. Why? Where shall I begin? How can I explain your choices? What would you say if I asked you that question,

Why did you go?

You had a choice. It was me, a house, a cat, a job, a chance to grow if you had just taken it, and, again, you had me. On the other side was her, another country, a new job, and again her. I was not on that other side. The choice was easy for you. You said you had nothing here. Nothing. You chose her. I try to put it behind me. I try to grow from it, but the pain is there. Your choices had consequences. You got her, but you lost me. You lost nothing.

You had known her for a short period. I had known you my whole life, and you still chose her. WE had known each other for a long time, my entire life, but we were never too close. You chose her because you had nothing here. I was not worth staying for. I am nothing.

You have never been able to keep anyone close to you for a long time, not even your own flesh and blood. Do you want to ask the other three that you gave up for someone else too? They all still try to explain, explain your choices. 

You promised me that nothing would change when you left. Everything would remain the same. Do you hear how stupid that sounds? You would move an ocean across and everything would be the same? You left in a taxi a cold summer morning. You drove away without looking back. Without looking back at nothing. You left without saying farewell. You left me. 

A part of you died when you sat down in that taxi. You died in my eyes. I would tell, or still tell certain people that you died. Sometimes you disappeared in a car crash. Sometimes you died in a plane crash, and sometimes you never even existed. 

You kept a small contact, a little hope, with me when my life drastically changed. I moved as well. I changed environment and had to adapt, again. You told me shortly about your life. About your cats, your house and your wife. Her you left me for. I told you about mine. Our birthdays came and went. We were getting older, and I moved and adapted again multiple times. You stayed where you had been. You had a tiny glimpse of hope in you, but that was soon gone. The feeling is back. It lies deep in my stomach. It is ice. It is there because it knows what happens.

You say you have lived the life of a lifetime, but we both know that, that statement is far from the truth. You stuck with your saying, and your little glimpse of the man I once knew was now gone. It was during my dark times that you showed your true colours. You started with these weird theories and thoughts. Everything was my fault. It was me that made you leave. It was me that was bullied at school. It was me that did not have any friends. It was nothing that did not have you. You said I deserved it. I deserved you leaving nothing. I deserved to be treated the way I was. I deserved to lose you. I was looking for a light. I was looking for someone who could share their torch, but now I was alone in complete darkness. You were my friend, but where did you go?

In your eyes I was not right. I was too different, too wild, too expressive and too opinionated. I started asking questions. I questioned you. You could not answer, and so I did not live up to your demands anymore. I became your “disappointment”. The disappointment of nothing. The small things you said were now lies. I was not as important in your life as you were in mine. I wanted to fight for what we had. How stupid I was. I thought that I would see that tiny glimpse of the man I once knew. Now consumed by hatred, egotism and greed. You gave up. You gave up on your disappointment. You gave up on nothing on a special day. Do you remember which day it was?

I know that I am a disappointment to you. I know that I am nothing to you. I know that you wished that I was different, but I wish so about you too. It doesn’t work that way. I wish it was different, but it is not. I refuse to appologise for who I became. I refuse to appologise for my actions. I refuse to accept your treatment of me. I refuse to be accepted as ‘Nothing’. 

After you left my life, it was like a boulder being lifted off my shoulders. My life has had its ups and downs. Still has. Sometimes I wish I had a father, but I am happy that you have lost that role. You lost your chance. Without you I have become more of myself that I have ever been. I am more active. I am interested and curious. I am finally that person you did not have the guts to get to know.  
I know there will never be a happy ending between us. That only happens in fairty tales. I wished you understood. It is over, but I am not sad.

I am not Nothing. I am Claire. You were my father, you became Frans and now you are nothing. 

 

Claire

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. This was painful, but healing to write. Hopefully more can feel into this. Whatever you are struggling through, you will make it! I believe in you.  
> Lots of love,  
> Claire


End file.
